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Existential Bullshit
Posted by
keturavamp 
, 17 January 2008 - 11:12 AM
ON THE SUBJECT OF THINKING AND LIVING (and so on and so forth)-
putting thoughts into words is really hard for me though. i never hardly even brush the deeper point i intend to, because i just cant figure out how to say it. its more of a feeling and some sort of natural understanding rather than actual language
my mother says i think too much.
and i need a hobby so i dont think as much
she thinks too much, on the wrong things. she thinks about living. but less about living and more like just surviving. living and
existance, day in, day out, paying bills, going to work, church, routines, just....being. morals, whats right, whats
wrong, black and white. how can you say you actually are alive if all you are doing is playing out some mundane
existance. thats too common for most people ive met in my life. the majority of simple minded people ive merely just observed pisses me the hell off. people go out, have fun, talk, but what do they talk about? day to day shit, who say what to who, where they went, who they are sleeping with, video games, tv shows, etc etc etc. do they even think? do they have any actual interests? do they stop for just a minute to just discover new things, reflect on old ones, come up with some new
random and bizarre theory?
most likely not. they are so flat, so one dimensional.
hence why i am an extremely picky person about who i hang around, who i love, etc. most people bore the hell out of me after 5 minutes.
***************
ON THE SUBJECT OF REALITY, LIVING IS JUST DREAMING (and so on and so forth)-
its weird. i find myself just living, just breathing, just doing things. i mostly live inside my own head, thinking about what i see passing my by an either side at any given time. once in awhile ill take a breath and get a glimpse and have to make sure im actually awake. there have been a total of TWO times that i have been doing something that i have felt "omg this is real. this is real, this is real. you are real, i am real.
for just a few breif moments i could feel myself, everything around me in a manner so bright and colorful i felt as if i had just woken up for some brainless coma. one where i knew what was going on, but just...watching.
putting thoughts into words is really hard for me though. i never hardly even brush the deeper point i intend to, because i just cant figure out how to say it. its more of a feeling and some sort of natural understanding rather than actual language
my mother says i think too much.
and i need a hobby so i dont think as much
she thinks too much, on the wrong things. she thinks about living. but less about living and more like just surviving. living and
existance, day in, day out, paying bills, going to work, church, routines, just....being. morals, whats right, whats
wrong, black and white. how can you say you actually are alive if all you are doing is playing out some mundane
existance. thats too common for most people ive met in my life. the majority of simple minded people ive merely just observed pisses me the hell off. people go out, have fun, talk, but what do they talk about? day to day shit, who say what to who, where they went, who they are sleeping with, video games, tv shows, etc etc etc. do they even think? do they have any actual interests? do they stop for just a minute to just discover new things, reflect on old ones, come up with some new
random and bizarre theory?
most likely not. they are so flat, so one dimensional.
hence why i am an extremely picky person about who i hang around, who i love, etc. most people bore the hell out of me after 5 minutes.
***************
ON THE SUBJECT OF REALITY, LIVING IS JUST DREAMING (and so on and so forth)-
its weird. i find myself just living, just breathing, just doing things. i mostly live inside my own head, thinking about what i see passing my by an either side at any given time. once in awhile ill take a breath and get a glimpse and have to make sure im actually awake. there have been a total of TWO times that i have been doing something that i have felt "omg this is real. this is real, this is real. you are real, i am real.
for just a few breif moments i could feel myself, everything around me in a manner so bright and colorful i felt as if i had just woken up for some brainless coma. one where i knew what was going on, but just...watching.
Slightly Baffled
Posted by
keturavamp , 02 January 2008 - 02:26 PM
i dont really get it...
why am i the last person to find out ANYTHING??? lol seriously this is nuts. i mean, ive been the last to know before, but this has been going on for weeks now and i just found out 5 minutes ago. apparently one of my best friends who moved to california is back in town. but of course i had no idea. everyone was told NOT to tell me. apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. but i cant hang out with him because i already promised my friend beth i would take her somewhere that same night.
so of course my insecure self threw around the option in my head "is it really a surprise or was i not supposed to know because he doesnt like me anymore???" which is kind of stupid because ive been friends with daron for years. but of course i got paranoid since ever since he moved, he never kept much contact. then again, i found out he had a crazy possessive girlfriend that would get insanely jealous if he even talked to any other girl, even if they were just friends.
and another tiny rant. how come john thinks the only reason people would stop liking me (as a friend, mind you) or try to avoid me or something would be because i have a crush on them or am smitten or whatever word he feels like using at that point in time???? thats just simply not true, and its a really fucking stupid assumption that pisses me off. despite popular belief, i DO NOT form crushes or whatever on every single guy im friends with. my god. *rolls eyes* im waaaaaay pickier than that.
not that people really ARE avoiding me, but obviously he doesnt even realize that im paranoid about friends not liking me, and i have been paranoid about that since...well...forever.
why am i the last person to find out ANYTHING??? lol seriously this is nuts. i mean, ive been the last to know before, but this has been going on for weeks now and i just found out 5 minutes ago. apparently one of my best friends who moved to california is back in town. but of course i had no idea. everyone was told NOT to tell me. apparently it was supposed to be a surprise. but i cant hang out with him because i already promised my friend beth i would take her somewhere that same night.
so of course my insecure self threw around the option in my head "is it really a surprise or was i not supposed to know because he doesnt like me anymore???" which is kind of stupid because ive been friends with daron for years. but of course i got paranoid since ever since he moved, he never kept much contact. then again, i found out he had a crazy possessive girlfriend that would get insanely jealous if he even talked to any other girl, even if they were just friends.
and another tiny rant. how come john thinks the only reason people would stop liking me (as a friend, mind you) or try to avoid me or something would be because i have a crush on them or am smitten or whatever word he feels like using at that point in time???? thats just simply not true, and its a really fucking stupid assumption that pisses me off. despite popular belief, i DO NOT form crushes or whatever on every single guy im friends with. my god. *rolls eyes* im waaaaaay pickier than that.
not that people really ARE avoiding me, but obviously he doesnt even realize that im paranoid about friends not liking me, and i have been paranoid about that since...well...forever.
Just Go Die Somewhere. Srsly.
Posted by
keturavamp , 23 December 2007 - 07:26 AM
its only 10am. i have been up for a total of two hours. and within that two hour span ive already begun to have people try and push my buttons and just continually piss me off.
we'll just go in chronological order.
if you TELL me that my picture sucks and i need to change it, im NOT going to. and this isnt just from some radnom person. this was from someone on my top friends list. no names, but i'll personally tell him hes an idiot when i see him next time he picks up the kids. whoops, did that give it away?
first off, i know its not the greatest picture. but its the best one i have thats RECENT. im tired of having to have my default be something that was taken 2 YEARS AGO. i actually WAS going to change it, but now im not. now im going to leave it up for as long as possible just to piss you off. i'll leave it up until someone bothers to take a picture of me thats actually good, or i get my own camera and i can do it myself.
figures. i put up pictures that are not professional looking, not in a model pose, whatever, just plain old every day me and it gets nothing. yeah, i look like i should still be in high school. yeah, the effects are badly photoshopped. BUT I WAS BORED. and its looks like ME. like i always look and im sorry thats just not good enough for you.
but enough of that one, on to the second asshole of the day.
so we all are familiar with the fact that i play alot of online scrabble. well i go in there, post in the chat room, simply asking if anyone cares to play a game. its nothing unusual, i do it all the time, lots of people do it all the time. because, you know, when you go onto a website with hundreds of people playing a multiplayer game, you would think the normal thing to do would be to find an opponent.
...but maybe im wrong.
anyways, this idiot tells me to shut up. im like...um....huh? he just keeps being rude, tells me to stop, shut up, etc. maybe im going overboard with this, but its seriously pissing me off. i want to play some god damn scrabble and i dont feel like i need to be told to shut up. so i reported him and took a screen shot. then i blocked him because i just dont care to listen to him.
maybe im the one being the bitch here, but this is just ridiculous. now i feel like staying in that room ALL DAY LONG asking for opponents, JUST to piss him off. but im not going to, but i dont feel like i should have to leave and i dont want to leave because then he'll think i left the room because of him. sorry asshole, you dont have that much power.
anyways, if you care, heres the screen shot
we'll just go in chronological order.
if you TELL me that my picture sucks and i need to change it, im NOT going to. and this isnt just from some radnom person. this was from someone on my top friends list. no names, but i'll personally tell him hes an idiot when i see him next time he picks up the kids. whoops, did that give it away?
first off, i know its not the greatest picture. but its the best one i have thats RECENT. im tired of having to have my default be something that was taken 2 YEARS AGO. i actually WAS going to change it, but now im not. now im going to leave it up for as long as possible just to piss you off. i'll leave it up until someone bothers to take a picture of me thats actually good, or i get my own camera and i can do it myself.
figures. i put up pictures that are not professional looking, not in a model pose, whatever, just plain old every day me and it gets nothing. yeah, i look like i should still be in high school. yeah, the effects are badly photoshopped. BUT I WAS BORED. and its looks like ME. like i always look and im sorry thats just not good enough for you.
but enough of that one, on to the second asshole of the day.
so we all are familiar with the fact that i play alot of online scrabble. well i go in there, post in the chat room, simply asking if anyone cares to play a game. its nothing unusual, i do it all the time, lots of people do it all the time. because, you know, when you go onto a website with hundreds of people playing a multiplayer game, you would think the normal thing to do would be to find an opponent.
...but maybe im wrong.
anyways, this idiot tells me to shut up. im like...um....huh? he just keeps being rude, tells me to stop, shut up, etc. maybe im going overboard with this, but its seriously pissing me off. i want to play some god damn scrabble and i dont feel like i need to be told to shut up. so i reported him and took a screen shot. then i blocked him because i just dont care to listen to him.
maybe im the one being the bitch here, but this is just ridiculous. now i feel like staying in that room ALL DAY LONG asking for opponents, JUST to piss him off. but im not going to, but i dont feel like i should have to leave and i dont want to leave because then he'll think i left the room because of him. sorry asshole, you dont have that much power.
anyways, if you care, heres the screen shot
Its No Laughing Matter! (or Is It?)
Posted by
keturavamp , 04 December 2007 - 09:41 AM
ive been in this weird mood. its like no matter how annoying this get, how frustrating, and
how miserable, i still cant seem to shake an overall feeling of calmness and optimism. have i finally reached the end of my rope and just given up, so that theres nothing left BUT those feelings?
i think maybe i HAVE cracked. i am faced with some not so great information and all i can do is laugh my ass of while said news is being relayed to me. maybe deep down i just know its out of my hands...or something.
(and it never helps to have a 60 year old man who is more gossipy than an old black woman in a beauty parlor as a neighbor.)
i do apologize for how cryptic this is, but i cant bring myself to give actual details at this moment in time. maybe i want to wait it out, maybe i want to ignore it, or maybe i just think it wont sound as cool if i come right out and say whats on my mind.
but hey, what can you do, right? LOL
all i can say, is that i can garauntee its probably nothing that you (anyone who actually really knows me) would even think of happening. its nothing obvious. its nothing related to anything you might think less of me for. well...sort of, but not really, and very indirectly.
how miserable, i still cant seem to shake an overall feeling of calmness and optimism. have i finally reached the end of my rope and just given up, so that theres nothing left BUT those feelings?
i think maybe i HAVE cracked. i am faced with some not so great information and all i can do is laugh my ass of while said news is being relayed to me. maybe deep down i just know its out of my hands...or something.
(and it never helps to have a 60 year old man who is more gossipy than an old black woman in a beauty parlor as a neighbor.)
i do apologize for how cryptic this is, but i cant bring myself to give actual details at this moment in time. maybe i want to wait it out, maybe i want to ignore it, or maybe i just think it wont sound as cool if i come right out and say whats on my mind.
but hey, what can you do, right? LOL
all i can say, is that i can garauntee its probably nothing that you (anyone who actually really knows me) would even think of happening. its nothing obvious. its nothing related to anything you might think less of me for. well...sort of, but not really, and very indirectly.
Children And Technology
Posted by
keturavamp , 22 October 2007 - 07:39 AM
so probably close to 7 years or so ago, my friend miguel had given me his old game boy pocket. it was one of the first to come out, when the screens were still black and white, and (ZOMG!!!!!!!!11111!!!!11!!) the outer casing actually came in a lovely array of 2 or three colors to choose from.
this one just happened to be green.
he had let me borrow a couple of pokemon games to play around with but eventually had taken them back and i was left with a useless gameboy with no entertainment value. however, one day in the mall (still at least 6 or 7 years ago) i came across a gamboy version of space invaders for like $10.
now, years had passed and all kinds of shit had happened, causing me to forget that i even had this thing in my possession anymore.
lo and behold my kids decided to take a trip out to the garage and rummage where they arent supposed to be rummaging and run back inside to me and go "mommy look what we found!!!!" i think you can guess what happens next. i freak out, and although i want to yell at them for being in the garage instead of playing in the back yard, i am completely elated that they have found the only game system that i actually own (aside from my pc of course).
of course the thing doesnt have batteries and i honestly couldnt even remember if it actually worked or not.
so i wake up this morning to the bleeping sounds of space invaders. john had found batteries and let jasmine play with it for a bit. at first im thinking its not working right because i cant get it to do much of anything, and realize its in demo mode. however, i cant figure out how to get it OUT of demo mode and actually play the damn thing.
so im like, "ok i'll let jas press the buttons and giggle about it for a few minutes while i try and search for instructions online (if they even exist anymore)."
she comes running back in the room and i notice that the actual game is playing (like she figured out how to do it and was showing off). which is cool and all, but...my THREE year old figured out how to get my game to play when i couldnt figure it out.
*shakes head sadly and walks away*
this one just happened to be green.
he had let me borrow a couple of pokemon games to play around with but eventually had taken them back and i was left with a useless gameboy with no entertainment value. however, one day in the mall (still at least 6 or 7 years ago) i came across a gamboy version of space invaders for like $10.
now, years had passed and all kinds of shit had happened, causing me to forget that i even had this thing in my possession anymore.
lo and behold my kids decided to take a trip out to the garage and rummage where they arent supposed to be rummaging and run back inside to me and go "mommy look what we found!!!!" i think you can guess what happens next. i freak out, and although i want to yell at them for being in the garage instead of playing in the back yard, i am completely elated that they have found the only game system that i actually own (aside from my pc of course).
of course the thing doesnt have batteries and i honestly couldnt even remember if it actually worked or not.
so i wake up this morning to the bleeping sounds of space invaders. john had found batteries and let jasmine play with it for a bit. at first im thinking its not working right because i cant get it to do much of anything, and realize its in demo mode. however, i cant figure out how to get it OUT of demo mode and actually play the damn thing.
so im like, "ok i'll let jas press the buttons and giggle about it for a few minutes while i try and search for instructions online (if they even exist anymore)."
she comes running back in the room and i notice that the actual game is playing (like she figured out how to do it and was showing off). which is cool and all, but...my THREE year old figured out how to get my game to play when i couldnt figure it out.
*shakes head sadly and walks away*
The Girl
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