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Apocalypse...ramble Ramble

I can not concentrate. It's been very difficult for a while now. How long? I don't know. Keeping time is difficult. I get distracted and confused when I try to recall what of my memories is dream and what is past happening. I know that I have been dreaming apocalypse for at least a year now. I don't know why. Horrifyingly vivid images and scenarios of earth's destruction, civilization's breakdown, and/or impending doom (as cheesy as it sounds) have been cloaking my dreams sporadically. It is never the same dream twice, scarcely is it ever the same reason. Breaking earth, tidal waves without tides, and tornadoes brought the end once. A great flood swept through another time. Atomic bombing, technological failure/catastrophe, fire hailing from the sky, and more endings than I can remember have come to me in dreams.

Other than apocalypse itself, there have only been a handful of repeating themes. (unless I am terribly dense) The one time I did dream of the same ending twice, the dreams were completely and utterly different. Zombies it was both times, but one of them included some other reason as well and there were almost no similarities in happening of it all. ...I must really learn to use some sensible sort of language. I am always there for the apocalypse. I always see it. I may be wrong, but I as far as I do recall, as have always been myself in these dreams. Of course, there is always death. So much death. Truthfully, there has been a large amount of death in even my normal dreams lately. ...Right then. I believe there was one time (and only one time) where I was able to stop an apocalypse. Some person was plotting it that time and somehow a small group of people and myself foiled his plans. It was hardly the camp, action-packed movie, though. Hmm... I always wake up before the end reaches its absolution, but never before whatever it is truly starts touching down upon everything. Always I am running, hiding, trying to escape and/or survive this all consuming something. It does always seem completely hopeless and inescapable, as if with everything I do and every place I turn it will be there. It will be there waiting to consume everything.

I don't know why I have been having these dreams. They are terrible and frightening, yet I know I am never quite as afraid as I ought to be. They happening so sporadically that I have yet to pinpoint a reason or event-type that may trigger this. They stopped for a while. I would to say for a few months, but my sense of time has been so distorted... Perhaps it was closer to several weeks? However long, it was long enough for me to believe they had stopped. (until I had another) I've had only two since err...they restarted? -don't know why I tried to think of it in time. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why! I do not believe the world will end anytime soon. Even if it did, I know in my heart I wouldn't fear it as much as I likely should. Why? I feel like a freak for having these dreams. I find myself compelled yet afraid to tell anyone. Why? Maybe they mean nothing. Maybe they mean nothing, nothing. I would like to think that I am just placing too much importance and contemplation on all of this. After some time, I was content to put them out of my mind. -until they started again. They are much less frequent than originally. Perhaps they are just fading their way out of my mind. Ah, hopefully.

October 2016

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