http://mygoth.com/index.php?app=blog Community Blog List Syndication Sat, 23 Jan 2010 02:32:45 +0000 thenewsletter@mygoth.com (Goth Forum | MyGoth.com) IP.Blog 60 Not much have changed since my last entry here at MyGoth. The weather has gotten a lot colder, I know because the cats spend more time inside than earlier. The Day Star then - last time I actually saw that was over a week ago. I don't care, I never liked the sun. The stars on the other hand..

About a month left until I start serving my country, my fatherland. Something to do while slowly dying I guess. At the moment I'm writing this, while hitting hard booze and listening to Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street. The saxophone in it is.. just intriguing.

The coldness.. it reminds me of a lot. Not the coldness per sé, more the warmth I received in the midst of all coldness... I miss it. I know I'd hate it the moment it would start again. But somehow...somehow I'd much rather live in that self-decadent life than this, siting here, knowing I'm alone..

Set me free.. Someone, please.]]> Thu, 03 Dec 2009 01:12:00 +0000 Each night I dance a dangerous dance
with death as my partner.
twirling and whirling with him,
I know my life will end. I fight his grasp,
an unwilling partner, in a dance, a dance that
I do not wish to partake in.
I scream in fear. I hate him.
I wish I had never kissed him.
I wish I had never seen him.
I wish I hadn't gotten lost in my dreams.
I know he is waiting for me to close my eye's.
I try to run and hide form him but I can't.
his eye's follow me every where I go.
I cry as he forces me to dance with me.
I fight him every time he makes me dance.
I fight him each time he tries to kiss me.
Please help me. I cry out to the other dancer's.
I want to be safe in the arm's of a man that
I know will keep me safe. When the sun comes up I will be safe.]]> Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:55:00 +0000 37 days since Ben and I started dating.
40 pounds away from my goal weight.


Ugh, today was blah. It was a half day at school so I only got to see Ben once today. He got checked out for a dentist appointment. First period, Algebra III, was interesting. We went over our exam from Tuesday and I remembered I got those problems right! Haha then Kayla and I made a video about Leopluradons. If you don't know what that is, go to YouTube and type in Charlie the Unicorn. WATCH IT! Then I got Anthony eating a poptart all sexy-like and Jesse was pretending to choke him or something. It was pretty funny. In second period, AP Psychology, we did a survey type thing and got our Identity Achievement levels; I'm about halfway there apparently. Elias wasn't in class 'cause he had Senior Superlative pictures. He got 'Most Wittiest', which is definitely true. He and I joke about having a relationship. I'll have to tape it some time, it's fucking hilarious. In third period, AP British Literature, we watched the rest of Hamlet (Mel Gibson version). We pretty much just made fun of it the whole time, but it was pretty good. I like the plot, but I still would like to know..HOW THE HELL DO YOU POISON SOMEONE THROUGH THEIR EAR?! It's weird. Then we had fourth period, AP World History, where I did a makeup test cause I'm failing that class. Well I'm failing a few classes, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Just gotta try harder this next quarter and bring my marks up. We finished learning about the Sasanid Empire and the Rise of Islam. Pretty interesting stuff. Did you know Christianity, Judaism and Islam are pretty much the same thing? It is, Google it. Then everyone went home. Got to miss the last 3 classes of the day

So now I'm sat at home, messing around on the net, watching tv and being bored. I've got a list of shit I gotta do. AP Psychology work, AP World History work, Humanities work, AP Human Geography work, clean my room and clean my bathroom. Damn I'm a busy girl. Tomorrow Danielle is coming over, we're gonna go to Insomnia and hang. Ben, Wayne, Devin, and some other people are supposed to be coming and we're gonna go party. I'm excited.

Anyways, I think I'ma go head and get busy on my work!

Later peoples,

Bella.]]> Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:27:00 +0000 The autumn is coming at us. It's out there. It's coming. Shake, hippies. The leaves are falling.

My work here is done. I'm quitting in a few days. I don't like the factory - no, I don't need it! Yes, I don't need it anymore. In the summer it worked as a cover. A reason to stay up at nights, listening to the thundering symphonies of the heavy industrial machines pounding more and more blood into the veins of modern infrastructure - the futuristic beauty of the hundreds and hundreds of tonnes of metal working, side by side with humans. Machines precise like clockwork, yet so heavy, so thick, so integrated through and through with the rest of the artwork.. Knowing - feeling - it all was one. That's why I was there: As part of it.

In the winter I live as part of a city, a highway, a train. A bus. Anything. Watching the red eyes in the otherwise silent train, hearing the systematic metallic sounds of metal against metal, smiling on the inside...I'm here. Now. Silently watching, observing, thinking. --What's going on in his head, what's he thinking about... What's her story, why does she look sad? Unknowingly, or not, they are a part of the train, of the one power that speeds a 100mph through the cold darkness. Everyone's somewhere else. Deep in their heads. Unknowingly listening to metal... On metal.

And it's snowing again.

A single glimpse out the window confirmed it. Now concentrating on the the wet leather of my trench coat... The scarf... Noticing it still carries the subtle scent of my last love. Thoughts drifting away..

The train makes a sudden move. I snap out of it.

It's a long way home.. The moon and the stars are shining bright. Quiet. No cars. Only the sound of my boots against the asphalt and snow.

The Existence itself is talking to me..
]]> Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:55:00 +0000
The summer has reached its peak and is finally walking towards its end. Finally. The northern winds will soon kick in and blow away this warmth and the "twisted dance of life". Endless waves of snow, ice and darkness will slowly take over, ridding whatever life is left. After the first waves have shook the ground, more will follow. Until all is even.

Circle of life. Resetting the nature.]]> Wed, 05 Aug 2009 10:09:00 +0000
Liam. I miss you the most. Even though what happened was lame and shitty. I miss talking to you. I miss watching you sleep because you sucked the knuckle of your index finger. It was kind of cute. I miss watching you cry at Saving Private Ryan. I miss how lame you were. I miss how much you'd fall over and laugh at your self for ten minuts before you'd get back up. I miss how you'd tickle all the wrong places because you were so crap at it. I miss drawing on your arm so it would look like you had tattoos like Ville Valo. I miss you. A lot. Liam- 6/6/1991-17/9/2007

Johnny. I didn't know you well enough, but i knew your face. In the front door. In the halways. In the living room. Occassioanlly at the dinner table. That was enough to feel it when i heard you were dead.

Jodie, Lisa and Carrie. At one point you were the best friends i'd ever had. I loved you. Now you don't look twice at me because i'm not 'cool' enough for you. Well fuck you. We had good, great times. I helped you guys through a lot. You weren't worth the effort.

Gemma. I still love you. Come out again, we all miss you. You can go out when Sam isn't there, it's okay. He wont mind. You're not married yet. And even when you are, you're allowed friends. We're still your friends babe.

Jessie. I'd come and see you if i could. But i dont really have the money to fly to Greece and see you. I miss you a lot. We dont talk enough. I hope everyone's okay. And i hope you and your boyfriend are doing fine.

Tom, Harry, Iain and George. You guys were great fun. Good times. Bad times. Great times beating you up so you'd leave eachother alone. Iain, i can't believe you're joining the army. All the times i begged you not to. Sod. But i love you. Tom, i miss singing with you. Great times. Harry. I still wonder what's going on in your head. I really do.

Nana Ruth. I suppose you had a long life and made the best of it. I still have your pictures you painted. I always will. 1920-2009. Aged 88.]]> Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:51:00 +0000
Even Sims have blogs, in thier little Sims world. This is my first blog ever. How tickling.
Because i dont know what a blog is for, i'll just ramble here about my not knowing what to do with a blog.
Tedious, but when one cant sleep at 1:15 in the morning, there's little else to do. Mr Sandman has tended to everyone else.
Is it a diary? A public diary?
Do you merely ramble as i am doing now?
Or do you post things about certain subjects and stick to that?
If its either, i dare say I'm doing a marvelous job of it
Goody goody.

So, i could look up now what a blog is for, but really, I'm kind of content of treating it as i am now. Somewhere to put random thoughts.
I'll be most upset if it isn't.
I'll have to start all over again and pretend i knew what a blog was all the time and use it properly like a good girl.


Blogging is nicely time consuming as it's turning out. This really hasn't taken more that 7 minutes, and that's fine by me. I'll finish Thorn Birds and sleep (excellent book, really). If sleep decides to visit me anyway.
I like that probably no one would really read this.
Not that i'm scared of looking like an idiot, i'm just a little behind with the time on computers sometimes. I sound so old.

I just feel content that its a possibility that i wont be told by anyone i've got blogging totally tits up and backwards, as its a possibility that no one shall tell me anything at all.

That's kind of nice.

How nice it is to be so content with something so trivial and 1:25 in the morning. ]]> Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:13:00 +0000
What's on the calendar now...Let's see...Oh, yes, learn to speak fluent Chinese. Mandarin, to be exact! Did I get you? Hope so.
--Maybe I'll just stick to Norwegian, or Danish. Anyhow. This blasted summer could be over already. I like the autumn much more. Clear, light air to breathe, no insects, such lovely colours (see, I'm desperately trying to sound British), the cats are staying indoors, no bloody birds screaming their throats sick, no insects, cold enough to wear my gothy clothes, no insects ... and ... no insects! whee

If I go out now, I'll get a tan. Bleh. For some reason, tanned people have always disgusted me. And it didn't make it better when a certain ... chick ... from my school decided to wear short-short-shorts and show everyone her 'complete' tan.. hrr.. Suddenly I fell in love with everything white. The whiter - the better. (Not that I'm a racist - I just don't like white people trying to be latin.)

I think I saw a leaf falling...could it be?..nah. Damn.

Back to the real, and awfully sunny, world.. Work is calling, once again. At least it's indoors.]]> Wed, 15 Jul 2009 08:16:00 +0000
What else is there .. Hm. Realized how goth-damned goth I am the other day... Weird thing is, I don't like this side of me. This is .. the old me. Not the new me. Hmh. Can't really explain how it feels...Point being, anyhow, that I'm a little confused. Should be over in a matter of decades.."haha." - And then .. On top of everything - as soon as the smoke kindly would settle, I'd like a ... girlfriend. It's weird to admit it, and yes, it's forbidden and yada yada. This probably brings even more problems, thinking about this ... Still ... The warmth, the closeness, the subtle scent, the feeling of how my whole world concentrates to that little space between us... Can't even describe it in words...

I still have the negatives left... Those burned images of a pretty, pale girl smiling, looking straight into the camera, with her incredibly beautiful, deep blue eyes. How I loved that girl.. She was the world to me only half a year ago, she was everything. I quit looking up at the stars, only to see her eyes, to see her smile. Not a moment went by without me thinking about her.. Now it just hurts like hell. I'd so like to re-live those moments. Feel the magic of the love that once was. Feel that need, that passion..Even if I'd know it will end, just like it did, I'd do it. Over and over again... I'd give anything just to be with her again.

Close your eyes, breathe slowly... It's over. Get over it. Focus.

Nothin' more on my mind.. Dunno if this blog even works. Maybe, maybe not. I don't care.]]> Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:52:00 +0000 only because they're cheap and durable, but also ... no wait, that's why I use them! Oh. Heh. You should try 'em too! Just got a package a few days or so ago, containing more Swedish olive-green t shirts, a pair of American pants (new tho), a Swiss scarf and a pair of boots. All about one third of the price they are at any store anywhere. Great stuff.I sometimes can't but wonder if other people see me as some communist ba''''d ... As I wear these clothes, work at a factory ("life of a proletarian") and swear in the name of Che Guevara...I'm also going to Cuba soon, if everything goes according to plans..Oh well, there's 'nuff for ya for now. I'll continue at some point.]]> Sat, 27 Jun 2009 13:00:00 +0000